


Keep Driving

by chooken



Category: Westlife
Genre: Adultery, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Blow Jobs in a Car, Car Sex, Ex Sex, Heartbreak, M/M, Sex in a Car
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 15:42:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2817527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chooken/pseuds/chooken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian chose to leave. Kian needs to make sure he's really gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Driving

Kerry answered the door that afternoon, which was positively the last thing Kian wanted. It brought into sharp relief all that he couldn’t have, all that had been taken away from him, and exactly who had done the taking. Not that it was even Kerry’s fault, she had no idea the pain she’d caused. It had been Bryan’s choice.

“Kian! Hello!” Kerry smiled at him, a wide, welcoming grin. Kian returned it, not feeling nearly so genuine. “Come on in!” She ushered him inside. Kian nodded, walking past her, feeling no hatred towards her. She was so genuine to him, and he had…

“Bryan’s in the living room with the kids. I’ve a pot on the stove.” Kerry pointed him in the right direction, as though Kian hadn’t been there a million times before. But it had been so long since he’d been here. Ever since that tearful press conference, and the long nights before, when they had promised they’d still see each other. All of them. But five months had passed, and Kian could only remember talking to Bryan on the phone once. Once. It had been pointless and perfunctory; Bryan saying something random about the kids and wishing Kian a happy birthday (even though it was three days late), Kian telling a mildly funny story about Mark.

It had all been so empty. Kian had felt empty, for long days and weeks and months since Bryan had walked out of their lives. Out of his life. All he saw was the magazines, Bryan looking toned and bronzed. Happy with his kids, with his wife.

He wanted to see it for himself. Believe it was true. Convince himself that the sadness he’d seen behind Bryan’s sunglasses in that spread for HELLO! had been only wishful thinking.

Lily was on the carpet when he went in, crawling about after a yellow rubber ball with pink duckies on it. Molly was in front of the TV, dancing wildly to a kids show, her blue, floaty dress spinning about her while she clomped in her gumboots. From around the doorway, Kian could see long, slender legs, stuck awkwardly out from the couch. It was almost like a horror movie, Kian slowly sidling around until he could see the rest of the still body, afraid to look at the face, wondering if Bryan might be dead.

Kian knew he wasn’t. The ache in his heart said that Bryan was very much alive.

“Hey Bryan.” His voice felt hollow and small in the large, sunny room. Bryan turned, and when his eyes flashed with surprise, Kian felt that overwhelming, yet familiar feeling hit him straight in the chest. Flashes of Bryan leant over him, laid under him. Bryan’s fingers in his hair. Bryan’s tongue on his skin. Bryan’s whispers in his ear.

Bryan stood promptly and wrapped him in a bear hug. “Kian! Hey, man, what are you doing here?”

Bryan’s scent all over him.

“Just thought I’d drop by… I had to come out this way anyway so…” The words felt empty and pathetic when Bryan looked at him. Slim and strong, his t-shirt hanging off him, his eyes burning bright and clear above defined cheekbones. His hair was longer too, not the spikes Kian used to love to run his fingers through. There was thick stubble on his chin.

“Unca Keen!” Molly shrieked, staggering over to him and wrapping his legs in a hug as big as her dad’s, and no less friendly. Then, with a child’s tact: “’S my birfday soon!”

“Is it?” Kian asked, picking her up in a move perfected after years of having the little girl on tour. But it still felt as uncomfortable as ever, as though he shouldn’t be touching her after what he’d done. “What do you want for your birthday, then?”

“A pony!” She replied without prior thought, her arm gripping his neck that little bit too hard, the feeling tense and choking around his neck. Or maybe that feeling had already been there, from the second he’d decided to come over. Bryan took her, prying her away and putting her back on the floor.

“We’ll see, baby.” Bryan said. “Go watch TV now, alright? Me and uncle Kian need to have a bit of a chat.” He looked at Kian. “You look like shit.”

Kian nodded. “Yeah.”

“Come on.” Bryan led Kian through the house and into the kitchen, where Kerry was stood over the stove, stirring something in a saucepan. “Me and Kian are gonna go out for a second, just down to the shops.” Bryan said, leaning over and kissing Kerry on the cheek. “Anything you need?”

Kerry turned. “I need you to stay and take care of the kids while I do dinner.” Her cheeks were slightly pink, and Kian felt a little awkward when Kerry frowned. But she glanced at him and sighed. “Kian, love, I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.”

“No… I… I didn’t mean to intrude or anything. I can come back another t…”

“It’s fine.” She looked at Bryan. “Could you bring the kids in here or something, then? Get their colouring books out and put them at the dining table. Then I can at least keep an eye on them.”

Bryan nodded, and Kian stood in the kitchen while the bigger lad dashed off, calling to the two girls. Kerry turned back to the saucepan, reaching for something in a shaker. It was red… maybe paprika. Kian had never been very good at cooking.

“You haven’t been round lately.”

“No.” Kian shrugged. “The band… you know… takes up a lot of time.”

“Yeah. It’s nice Bryan’s home at least occasionally now.” The words sounded reasonable, but there was something strained in her voice that she didn’t quite manage to hide. Kian nodded anyway. “He’s missed you.” She paused. “You lot, I mean. It was nice of you to come over.”

“I was in the area…”

Kerry nodded and turned back to the stove, and there was a long silence before Bryan re-entered with the girls, sitting them both at the kitchen table and putting a smiley-face bucket filled with crayons in front of them, as well as two big notepads.

“There you go girlies. You wanna make some nice pictures for daddy?”

Molly nodded, beginning to carefully choose a colour, while Lily simply grabbed the blue crayon and stabbed it onto the paper in a jagged scrawl, giggling. Bryan smiled at them, then grabbed Kian’s arm and headed for the door.

“Dinner’s at seven-thirty! And pick up some milk!” Kerry called.

“Yes, dear!”

They didn’t speak in the car. The silence that settled pulled Kian into heavy thoughts, mostly involving estimates of exactly how wrong it was to be sitting, alone, in a car with this man. His best friend. His married best friend. Who used to be something… no, a lot… more.

Kian looked up when the engine stopped running, catching wide, curious eyes that reflected a million hurtful, wonderful memories.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Kian shrugged, looking around. They were in a deserted wooded area, in a little unused driveway out of sight of the road. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“Then why come over? Jesus, you surprised me there. Five months and a couple of half-arsed phone calls and you finally decide to pop out of the woodwork…”

“One.” Kian corrected him. “One phone call.”

“Even better.” Bryan rolled his eyes, sitting back in his seat and crossing his arms. He regarded Kian, his face a rolling swirl of emotions. “Fuck, Kian.”

“I’m sorry.” Kian said softly, feeling the words in every inch of him. “I just… I needed to see.”

Bryan sighed. “See what?”

“If…” Kian shrugged. “If… I dunno Bry. If it was true, I guess. If you’d really moved on. Left us. If it was all… really over. If you were finally happy.”

“Ki…” Bryan breathed, and Kian flinched away from the fingers that reached up to touch his cheek, the sensation too familiar. Bryan pulled back. “Look, I… it wasn’t about you, why I left. It was just… I wasn’t happy…”

“It all used to be about me.”

“That was four years ago!” Bryan exclaimed. “Look, I had to make a choice. Kerry was pregnant, I had to…”

“Why were you with her in the first place, then?”

“I…” Bryan shook his head. “You know, I don’t even know any more? I think I used to love her. But now… it seems so hard. I quit to save my marriage, Kian, and now there’s barely anything left to save.”

Kian nodded, turning away. His reflection stared back in the car window, so many memories and lost opportunities. What might have been…

“Kian…” Kian glanced back. Bryan was looking at him, his fingers twitching like they used to at work, when afterwards those fingers would be all over his body, needing him. Kian ignored them. He didn’t want to remember that. “For what it’s worth… I never stopped loving you.”

“It’s not really worth that much now, is it?” Kian said quietly, not feeling angry, just defeated. “You made your choice. You chose her.”

“I chose my daughter.”

“Then that’s a choice you’ll have to stick with.” Kian didn’t like this side of his personality, the practical, businesslike side. It made things so much more painful, even if it made things simpler. “You can’t take it back.”

“I know, I…” Bryan sighed. “I… I just wanted you to know.”

“I don’t know if I wanted to know. I want to forget everything that happened, you know? Then maybe at least I can go on living my life, or something. But I can’t. You made your choice, and now… I don’t even have one. I’m stuck like this. I don’t want to love you.”

“But you do?”

“Of course I fucking do!” Kian snapped. “You think I’d be this miserable if I didn’t?”

“I didn’t mean to.” Bryan hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

“You had to make a choice.”

“I know. I just… I don’t know if I made the right one.”

“You can’t change it.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

“I miss you.”

“Yeah.” Kian said, his hand finding Bryan’s in between the seats, curling around it. It felt slimmer than he remembered, long, tapering fingers capturing his and squeezing. He ran his thumb over the back, feeling stretched tendons that were more defined than they had ever been. “You’ve changed a lot.”

Bryan nodded. “So have you.”

“No. Not really.” Kian shook his head, feeling the hand around his squeeze almost painfully hard. “I’m just a lot emptier. I feel like I’ve turned into this complete bastard, I’m so cold all the time…”

“Yeah. I know that feeling.”

“Mmm.” Kian sighed. “I’m sorry I came over.”

“It’s okay.” Bryan smiled. “You’re invited to Molly’s birthday, you know that, right? Tell the other lads. They’re all invited.”

Kian smiled. “Were we invited before I came over? Or have you just thought of it now?”

“You were, in an abstract sort of way.” Kian raised an eyebrow, using it to fish for more information, as he always had. Bryan’s fingers twitched again. “You weren’t not invited.”

“You said you’d keep in touch.”

“So did you.”

Kian nodded, pulling Bryan’s hand into his lap and looking at it. “You look really good, you know.”

Bryan laughed softly, running his free hand through his long, untamed hair. “Thank you.”

“But sad. I think… I think that was what I wanted to check. I didn’t want to see if you were happy. I just wanted to know if I was right about you being sad.” He looked up, into blue, earnest eyes. “Are you?"

“I’m empty.”

“Yeah.” Kian nodded.

“Ki?”

“What?”

Bryan’s cheeks turned slightly red, his fingers still twitched, underneath Kian’s grip. Kian squeezed them. “Can I… Can I just…” He leaned forward, and somewhere in Kian’s mind, he knew he should move away. He knew what was coming, and it was so, so wrong to stay where he was, to let Bryan do it. To let Bryan do this to him again. Bryan always did this.

Soft lips caressed his in the briefest of kisses, and Kian didn’t stop it. A soft tongue stroked at his lips, and Kian barely moved. He just opened his lips, allowing Bryan to sweetly enter, the rush of intimacy dragging him under.

“Ki…” Bryan murmured. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Kian echoed, his hands grudgingly tangling in Bryan’s hair and tugging them back together, the long strands smooth and alien between his fingers. Bryan made a soft noise, the same one he’d always made. He tasted like cigarettes, just like he always had. His hand tightened on Kian’s, the other one moving across to hold Kian’s waist. The hold was slimmer, but it was still the same one.

“Ki.” Bryan whispered. “I love you.”

Kian sobbed, a sharp, staccato sound that rang loudly in the thick atmosphere filling the car. Like gas, making him feel dizzy and disoriented. “I can’t… we can’t…”

The silence went on for a long time.

“No.” Bryan said finally. “No. We can’t.”

Kian sobbed again, climbing across the seat to fall into Bryan’s lap, his arms capturing the older lad’s neck, Bryan’s arms encircling his waist. He rested his face in Bryan’s shoulder and cried, wanting everything he knew he couldn’t have. Strong hands stroked his back, trying to comfort him. Kian drew everything from the touch he could, knowing it would be the last time. A soft kiss pressed to his temple.

“I love you. It isn’t fair.”

“Nothing’s fair.” Kian replied through his tears, wiping his nose on Bryan’s shirt. Bryan wouldn’t mind, he had done it a million times before when he’d been sad or sick. Before…

“I’ll leave her. I was going to anyway. Or she was going to leave me. We’re over.”

Kian shook his head. “I wouldn’t take you back.”

“Why not? I love you.”

“That’s not what matters any more. You have kids. You need to be there for them.” Kian gulped back tears. “Do you know how much the press will be all over it if we were suddenly together? The kids… their lives would be ruined, they’d never have a moment’s peace. The rumours would kill them. She’d get sole custody, you’d never be able to see them. You need a woman, Bry, if you have anything. You’ve never wanted men anyway.”

“I want you.”

“I’m not the point. You made a choice, and that choice was Molly. You have to see that through.”

“I…” Bryan shook his head, his hands still stroking Kian’s back, even though the sudden burst of emotion had ebbed back into its usual swirling flow of misery, hidden beneath the surface. Kian wiped the tears away on Bryan’s shoulder. Again. “I hate it when you’re practical.”

“One of us has to be.”

“Kiss me.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“Don’t make me want you more than I do.” Kian replied, pulling away and looking at Bryan. “You look so totally gorgeous and I’ve never stopped wanting you for a moment. Not for the entire time. Don’t make it worse.”

“Then kiss me.”

“Bry…” Kian shook his head, then gave in, his mind too exhausted to be practical any longer. His mouth slid over Bryan’s, lips embracing soft, clinging flesh. Bryan kissed him back, hands still stroking his shoulders and down his spine.

“I need you.”

“We can’t do this.”

“I’ve never stopped needing you.” Bryan whispered, his lips capturing Kian’s again, fingers twisting in his hair, stroking his scalp like they had a million times before. “Not for a single second. Even when I was with her. I never stopped thinking about you.”

“I can’t want you.”

“You don’t have to. You can have me.”

“Bry…” Kian murmured, the sensation of clever fingers tickling up under his shirt stripping away his resolve and making him moan into Bryan’s mouth. “You always… do this… to me…

“I just want to love you, like before.” Bryan whispered. “I miss you, the way you always made me feel… so good…”

“Please.” Kian pleaded, though whether it was for Bryan to stop or keep going he didn’t know. Light fingers stroked at his fly, and the decision was made for him when the zip slid down, Bryan’s hand pushing in and stroking at him. “Bry… I love you.”

“I love you too.” Bryan broke off into a groan when Kian shifted in his lap. Kian moaned at the feeling of Bryan against him, that hardness bringing back so many beautiful memories. Flashes of Bryan under him. On him. On his knees. Saying so many beautiful things to him. Telling him how much he was loved. Kian rocked slowly, feeling it, feeling Bryan’s hand around him, his eyes closing as he remembered it.

“I never stopped wanting you.” Kian whispered. “Not for a second.”

“Every single minute.” Bryan agreed, free hand pushing Kian’s jeans down around his hips. Kian moaned, the air caressing him, and Bryan did too. “I missed this.”

“Please.” Kian whispered again, knowing exactly what he wanted. Bryan smiled, and kissed him hard.

They clambered into the backseat, Kian first, hitching his jeans up a little so he didn’t get tangled in them. It didn’t really seem to matter, as they disappeared the second Bryan joined him in the back, tossed back into the front with a clumsy, needy hand. Then Bryan was covering him, pressing down into him, just like he had a million times before.

“Bry…” Kian muttered, needing the sweet taste of Bryan’s name on his mouth.

“Ki.” Bryan murmured back. “I need to taste you. Please.”

Kian nodded slowly, feeling overwhelmed when Bryan kissed down his chest, mouth plucking and teasing his nipples, making Kian cry out and arch into him, grabbing onto broad, strong shoulders. The sensations were incredible, Bryan’s mouth still as talented as it had ever been, remembering exactly what Kian liked, where to touch. His fingers stroked as though they had never left him, lifting Kian’s thighs over his shoulders. Then that hot mouth was on him, pulling Kian into its embrace, Bryan’s eyes closed in obvious pleasure. Kian groaned wildly and thrust up, fingers digging into Bryan’s head.

“I love you.” Kian gasped, hands running over Bryan’s face and stroking his cheeks, then through his hair, down to clutch at his nape, needing him between his thighs even more now that he actually had him. For these few moments at least.

A tear burst from his eye when he arched again in pleasure, his heart aching in pain. Soft hands traced the back of his thighs, reaching up to grab his arse like they always had. Bryan had always had a thing about his arse.

He came eventually; it wasn’t earth-shattering. Just a slow, comfortable slide into a beautifully intimate release. Bryan lay against his thigh, legs all curled up in the cramped space of the car. Kian stroked his hair, feeling both whole and empty at the same time.

“Are you okay?” Bryan said, his breath hot and tickly against Kian’s groin.

“I don’t know.” Kian admitted. “That was… more than I thought I wanted. But less that I actually did want. If you get what I mean.”

“When we get back to my place, this is over.” Bryan whispered, summing it up more succinctly. “You wanted it, but you shouldn’t have... you feel like it’s not enough. Ever.”

“I don’t know what I wanted to happen.” Kian shook his head, and smiled weakly when Bryan crawled back up to lie on top of him, head pillowing on Kian’s chest. Bryan’s cock jabbed into Kian’s naked thigh through Bryan’s jeans, but Bryan seemed to be ignoring it, so Kian did too, for the moment. “I wanted you, of course I did. But this…” He gestured around the interior of the car with a sweeping hand. “This is wrong. And not in a good way.”

“Not like when I jerked you off on Nicky’s bed.”

Kian laughed. “No, that was definitely the good kind of wrong.”

“Not like when we used chocolate sauce as lube and you made me lick it out of you.”

“No. But that wasn’t wrong. It was more fun than anything.” He looked fondly at the man looking up at him and smiled. “We did have fun together, didn’t we?”

“We had a lot of fun."

“It’s over now.”

“Yeah.”

“Sit up.” Kian urged, pushing Bryan off him and sitting next to him, his arms encircling the larger lad’s waist. Bryan’s chin rested on Kian’s head, watching while Kian undid his jeans, Bryan’s hard cock stretching his boxers. Kian ran his hand over it, hissing at the pleasure of touching Bryan like this. “I want you.”

“With… or without… the chocolate… sauce?” Bryan rasped, his breathing becoming heavy when Kian stroked him, hand feeling the thick length for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

“Without.” Kian murmured. “I want it like it used to be with us. Simple. No complications. I never want to stop feeling you. I want you with me forever.”

“I will… be. You just… have to… say.”

“I won’t do that.” Kian shook his head, climbing up to sit in Bryan’s lap, kissing his face. Bryan sucked briefly on his own fingers and Kian groaned when one pushed into him, piercing his body and hurting in a deep ache. It had been long years since someone had been there, since that last time in their bed. Before Bryan had told him what his decision had been. Kian had hurt a lot, then. Now it hurt as well, but in a much better, much gentler way. Less like a barbed arrow in his heart. He wanted to feel this.

“You’re so tight.” Bryan whispered. Kian smiled, rocking on the finger and crying out at the deep, penetrating pain.

“Haven’t had anyone since…” Kian managed to gasp out, gripping onto Bryan’s shoulders and trying to calm his body. He was hard again already, his cock rubbing against Bryan’s chest while he knelt up, making room for those thick, talented fingers.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Kian breathed. “I told you. I’ve wanted you every second. Only you… ah!” He cried out when the second finger pushed into him, and caught Bryan’s concerned gaze. “Don’t you dare be careful. I want to feel you forever.”

“I don’t want you being alone forever. Because of me.”

“That’s my prerogative. You lost the right to make that choice.”

“I don’t want you being miserable.”

“And I don’t want anyone else. Don’t you understand that? Oh, Jesus, Bry…” He trailed off when the third finger breached him, the pain almost unbearable. Almost. If wasn’t so totally perfect. “I want it. Now. I want it to hurt.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s too late for that.” Kian shook his head, sliding off the seat to quickly engulf Bryan’s cock in his mouth, wetting it, then climbing back up again. He could have stayed there forever, that taste blooming on his tongue and making him want to keep Bryan even more than he could ever imagine. But he was stretched now, and Bryan’s chest was hitching like he was close to the edge.

Kian whispered Bryan’s name as he sank down on the thick, hard length, the memories rushing into him. He had to bite his lip to stop a scream, the pain turning into agony and bursting into a fiery explosion. Bryan cried out, his hands gripping Kian’s hips tightly, tugging him down even further.

Kian yelped, realising his throat was raw at the end of a long, wailing shriek that had Bryan grabbing his chin and pulling their lips together, his hands stroking up and down Kian’s body.

“It’s okay. We can stop. We can…”

“No we… fucking… can’t stop…” Kian forced out through gritted teeth, twisting slightly on Bryan’s cock, trying to think past the pain. “You’re going to fuck me. That’s what I want. That’s my last…” He groaned as he jerked a little further down Bryan’s length. “…fucking…” A little further. “…request.” He gasped, resting his forehead against Bryan’s cheek now that his arse was rested against Bryan’s groin, fingers grappling at Bryan’s sweat-soaked t-shirt.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” Kian whispered. “But I’m better.” He pulled back, looking into concerned eyes and smiling. Bryan stroked his cheek. “You look gorgeous when you’re like this.”

Lips parted, chest moving with hard, panting gasps, Bryan was definitely close to the edge. For as much pain as Kian was in now, he could see in Bryan’s eyes how good the tightness sheathing him felt. Bryan’s eyes fluttered closed, and Kian pressed their lips together in a sweet, chaste kiss.

Bryan began to move, and Kian dragged in a relieved breath, the feeling of Bryan moving within him somehow better than him sitting still. He was dragging against abraded flesh, not nearly wet enough to slide easily. But Kian could feel it getting easier, Bryan beginning to move faster and more steadily, pushing up into him while Kian rocked in his lap, hearing loud moans and whimpering cries.

Bryan came, eventually. It was beautiful, and intimate, and earth-shattering.

They drove back in silence, stopping only at the convenience store for that milk. It was quarter to eight. Bryan joked that Kerry would ream him out when he got home late for dinner. Kian smiled thinly, wriggling against the seat. Bryan patted his shoulder, turning into the driveway.

They walked back to Kian’s car, parked a little way down the street in front of an empty lot. He slid in, and Bryan shut the door and walked away. Kian pressed his face against the steering wheel, feeling the tears begin.

But then the door next to him opened; he looked up to see Bryan sliding into the passenger seat. His ex-lover looked at him.

“Just go. Start the car and we’ll drive forever. And not come back.”

“You already left.” Kian said. “You’ve got too much of a head-start on me.”

“I can wait.”

“I don’t want you to.” Kian shook his head and reached over, pushing Bryan’s door open again. “This is my choice.”

Bryan looked as though he was about to say something, but then their eyes caught, and he didn’t. Perhaps he had seen in Kian’s eyes the hopelessness, the resolve. He nodded.

“I love you.”

Kian nodded. “I love you too. Always. But this has to be goodbye, Bry.”

“You’re still welcome to come to Molly’s birthday.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“I didn’t think you would.” Bryan stepped out, his hand brushing Kian’s a final time before the door shut. “Goodbye.”

Kian nodded, and started the car. He drove, until Bryan was a tiny speck in the distance, almost indistinguishable from the scenery. Then he turned the corner, and Bryan was out of sight.

He wriggled slightly in the seat, hands gripping the steering wheel tighter, feeling Bryan still there, pressing into him and not letting go.


End file.
